Fenrir's Unassisted Homebirth Story - 12/03/2022

Disclaimer 1: This story is not the sweet and peaceful freebirth story that people like to read. Even though baby and mom are mighty sitting on a throne on their pink cloud in the end, seeing the beauty of both pregnancy and birth with pride and love, it's a challenging story about letting go, overcoming heavy obstacles, and a raw and tough (re)birth. It can be triggering to some. Disclaimer 2: This birth story is a combination of multiple factors coming together: physical, energetical, emotional, spiritual (Earth ánd Fae), rebirth, awakening. Not everyone will understand all those facets to it. That's ok. Disclaimer 3: Looking back, pre-pregnancy, pregnancy and birth are intertwined. Telling the birth part of the story alone would not make any sense of any of it. April, 2021

A visit to the park. Laying down in the grass with husband and teenagers, enjoying some spring sun warming our hearts and bodies, while the little ones play in the playground. This mom, suddenly restless, sits up. A soul has hooked itself to our family. At that point, brain and heart have been fighting for a long time. Brain said that 5 children was all we were allowed to have. Heart had more love to give and will probably never be really done with having children. But at that moment it was clear: a soul eagerly wanted to come earthside in the near future. It would be a boy and his name was Fenrir.

June, 2021

It took us a moment to accept the fact that we would be given another child, but 2 months later, we left the Universe at work. If a child would come, it was more than welcome. During an intimate moment, a beautiful black and blue dragon flew through the room and allowed us to see it. Beautifully strong, intense power and energy, very overwhelming. This was the soul that wanted to come earthside in its true form: a powerful dragon. When the dragon flew through us, we were certain that this would be the moment that I got pregnant. But that month, my uterus stayed empty, leaving us confused and uncertain. The big lesson of the coming pregnancy was already in play: letting go of all expectations.

July, 2021

My parents visited us after 2,5 years of not seeing them. They made the effort to drive from Belgium to Portugal, so it was only normal to spend all of our time with them. Our days were filled to the brim, from mornings until evenings. We were over the top tired, no room for life or even thoughts outside of what was happening in the moment. It was a bittersweet time. Seeing my parents, but also saying goodbye again.

The days after they left, a fog was still surrounding us. It took some time to get back to reality. 4 days later, a little strip of blood on the toilet paper brought us to a halt. It looked familiar. No?! How was that possible? We didn't really try that month. Maybe once. Were we pregnant? With the other kids, I always felt it the second I conceived. It was always a deep knowing. This time it caught me off guard. That filled me with sadness, because what kind of mom didn't feel that she was pregnant? Not the magical start that I hoped for. It felt like I was already doing wrong by my baby. How couldn't I know that I was pregnant? A gut feeling overwhelmed me: if I was pregnant, this pregnancy would be a physically tough one. I would be on bed rest most of the time. This knowledge came as a deep knowing, very intuitively.

The day I was 4 weeks along, we did a pregnancy test, just to be sure. I remember feeling very impatient, which basically set the tendency for the rest of the pregnancy. We bought a test in the supermarket and I tested positive in their bathroom. Just couldn't wait. Within seconds a big black line appeared. We bought ice cream for our children and took them to the park. It was time to tell them...

August - March, 2021/2022

The rest of the pregnancy was indeed a challenge. My bed rest intuition was spot on. The first 18 weeks were excruciating. Morning sickness started in the 4th week already, 2 days after we tested positive. It turned out to be the worst kind of morning sickness I ever endured in my pregnancies. For a while, we thought we had to be pregnant with twins. It was so much worse than with the others. Some days, I literally crawled over the floor, failing to stand on my feet. Other days, I couldn't even get out of bed. Eating was a nightmare. I couldn't get anything in and got weaker by the day. Week 10 in particular was a week to never forget. On top of the morning sickness, I also had a stomach bug. I remember laying on the floor trying to take care of our younger children, feeling more miserable than I ever felt before. At that moment I had my first visions of the end of the pregnancy: I would not survive this pregnancy and birth. Anxiety kicked in. Badly.

In week 20, we lost 4 of our dogs. They were poisoned. The sadness. The grief. Unable to console my kids and guide them through this. It was excruciating. In less than a week, we burried all 4 of them. Our hearts hurt from crying.

A day after we burried the 4th one, I got ill with some stomach flu. My stomach hurt so bad and I basically started to have some of the symptoms that the dogs had too. We honestly thought that whatever killed our dogs, was getting to us too now. The fear... you have no idea! My baby would die. I would die. And then Pelagia got ill too. In my mind, my children were dying. If the disease wasn't going to kill the baby in my belly, the sadness and grief that I felt definitely would.

Ill, ill, ill... it didn't stop anymore

It turned out that Pelagia just had a cold. And the rest of the family got that cold too. I was the only one with stomach issues on top of it, non-related to the dogs. And of course nobody died. After that cold, we got another cold. And another one. And... of course... another one. Grieving the dogs had brought us in a loop of low energetic vibrations, attracting illness after illness. A few weeks later, Pelagia's cat died. Hit by a car. That didn't help.

My pregnant body never got the time to recover in between and started to crash down. At week 25, pre-labor started. Starting with soft contractions, but by the time, we reached week 30, they were intense enough to having to breathe through them. Bed rest once again. My body screamed for rest.

Also around week 30, the veil to the Fae world opened. This was a worldwide thing, related to what was happening in the world. The veil opened and lots of Fae creatures came through, spreading around the world in their rightful positions to help humankind in the battles ahead. Being an Heyoka empath and obviously connected to the Fae world, I was able to visibly see the veil and communicate with the creatures. Very special!

Cold, flu, stomach bugs... they kept coming the rest of the pregnancy. One of the worst viruses joined us a month before birth. My youngest son barely survived that one, his lungs barely able to keep breathing. My oldest daughter too. She described it like this: "it feels like lightworkers in particular get hit by this virus, and we are pulled into a deep bubble in which we literally have to choose whether or not we want to stay living in this world right now." Our other kids were hit by this virus too, but less severe than our oldest and youngest. With those two, we actually feared for their lives for a moment.

My body often got the blunt of the illnesses too. One thing after another. I lost an enormous amount of weight. By the end of the pregnancy, my immune system was fried. Couldn't take it anymore. Candida took over those last weeks, weakening me even more and taking the last of my physical and emotional strength.

Letting go

On top of that, this pregnancy and baby brought a huge lesson for me: letting go. A lesson that I was never able to learn before. Letting go of all control and just letting life take over. Instead of getting anxious by life, I had to learn to find a place of inner peace. Anyone who knows me knows that this is an impossible task. My brain never shuts off... inner peace is that holy grail that I would never achieve. And still, the Universe forced and pushed me in that direction. Illnesses, pain, grief, anxiety, depression, the last of my marriage that was falling apart, the loneliness that comes with that, the visions of me dying during birth, the world around us, ... one after another was enough to push me in an obedient state. It felt more like giving up than letting go, to be honest.

No immune system left, my body that was weakened beyond the point of recovery, my emotional state that had completely given up... And to top it off, a day before I gave birth, our boys got a cold and fever again. Just to illustrate the last day of my pregnancy... I was broken. Shattered.

March 12th, 2022.

In the beginning of my pregnancy I knew I would give birth around 38 weeks. It was a deep knowing. The number kept flashing through my mind. 38, 38, 38... When I found out that March 12th (the day my then-husband and I met 19 years ago) was a day before the 38 weeks of pregnancy, it was clear to me that this would be the day I'd give birth. Our marriage has been going south for quite some time, making our "special days" feel bittersweet. I didn't want to celebrate March 12th anymore, so forever having to be reminded of that day, even long after our inevitable divorce, only felt right. It fits perfectly in the lesson of "letting go". And the Universe is that kind of a bitch.

That last week, we all felt that birth was getting closer. It was a feeling that surrounded us. Me crawling into my cocoon, kids getting restless, losing my mucus plug, leaking fluid, Braxton-Hicks that got upped a notch... It was obvious.

The evening before, contractions started. Completely different than the pre-labor before . I was convinced that labor had started. But that evening, contractions stopped again. I went to bed around 11PM, thinking about sleeping a bit and see where it took us.

Restless

Around 2AM, contractions started again. I had been restless until then, so didn't sleep anymore. From the start, I experienced the contractions as being hard to breathe through and I didn't really welcome them. I was tired, emotionally broken, worried about combining a baby with a feverish toddler and overall just not welcoming the idea of labor at that point. It felt like a nuisance that I had to go through instead of the wonderful experience that I always thought a birth was. I normally love giving birth, but I couldn't feel the happy feelings. I just felt restless.

In the beginning, contractions started slow. Every 10 minutes, every 7-8 minutes, every 4-5 minutes. That's where they stayed the rest of labor. Even at the end, contractions came every 4 minutes apart, never closer together.

Contractions also never really did a lot. I could feel them dilating me. I could feel when I reached full dilation. But the pushing contractions stayed soft and not really powerful. As if my body wanted to, but just couldn't. It was too weakened. After a few hours of that, the baby was still not in the birth canal. There was also "something" in its way.

Restless me got into a huge panic attack. I was convinced that something was keeping the baby from getting into the birth canal. Maybe the placenta was between baby and the outside world? I was even more convinced that I was unable to deliver my baby on my own. The idea of calling an ambulance was brought into words. A few more pushes later, I was crying and begging for that ambulance and head first into a terrible panic attack. My then-husband thought that an ambulance was not the right thing to do and we should wait to call one. I knew he was right, but the panic attack was too strong. That's the moment I gave up. If I really had to die in this birth, then so be it.

Unexpected help

That's when I felt them. Different kinds of Fae creatures surrounding our caravan and standing up in our valley. I felt healing power from my oldest daughter, a known empath healer. I felt unknown support and power from other women, both still in this world and long lost generations before us. I was not alone.

I started pushing, very hard and raw. Basically without strong pushing contractions, as those were still very weak. The energetic power surrounding me was pushing together with me. I pushed so hard, that the water bag broke. Apparently that was the thing that was in the way and not the placenta. Water splashed all around. Lots of blood came out too. I pushed even harder. Still without my body giving me anything decent to work with. I pushed, very raw and hard, my baby in the birth canal. Didn't care if he wanted to or not, he had to get in that birth canal. I pushed, still on my own power, without my body truly helping me, his head out. And I pushed even harder to eventually get his body out. My oldest daughter stood behind me and caught the baby. 8:15 AM

At that moment, I was physically done. Normally, my instinct would instantly have caught him when he came out or take him from who had him, but I was so so soooo drained that it took me - literally - a minute to be able to move out of the position I was in to get my son. I knew that Troia had him and he was safe. I heard her say "it's a boy". I heard my baby make his first cry behind my back. I heard my then-husband getting mad and annoyed with me, because I didn't move around to take my son and he thought I rejected my baby... but my body was in shock and needed a minute to be able to move again so I could reach for my son.

Battle field and my personal Ragnarok

Looking back, that was the moment I died. Yes, I died during this birth. I died, was not in this world anymore. I thought about Troia being ill a few weeks before and what she had said about it: that she was taken away from this world too and had to choose whether or not she wanted to stay at this moment in time. She chose to stay. And so did I. I chose to stay with my children. I was reborn and was finally able to hold my son in my arms.

The room around me looked like a battle field. I had never lost so much blood before. I felt the dire need to video-call my mother, so I did. It was nice to hear her and make her part of the moment.

The placenta was born, but I didn't have a good feeling about it. It was small and greyish, had an ill energy. It obviously filtered a lot during this pregnancy, for which I'll be forever grateful. It protected my son from everything.

I sat on the ground between my battle field blood for an hour and a half. Just soaking it all in. I was ripped open "down there", but it didn't hurt. The baby tried drinking, but wasn't really interested. He fell asleep shortly after birth and took a long nap against my chest.

Can you imagine that this baby came out pink? Most of my babies were blueish after they are born and pink up in the first minute. But the one baby I pushed out with this kind of brutal force was completely pink.

Unexpected help part 2

When we announced his birth to the world, I received messages from multiple friends and online acquaintances. About how a few hours before they suddenly stopped in their tracks and automatically thought about us. Counting back the hours, it turned out that every single one of them was connected with us in that one moment where I gave up and felt all the energy surrounding me. Goosebumps! So grateful for all of them. They don't realize it, but they literally helped bringing my baby earth-side!

2 days after his birth, we decided to separate him from his placenta and cut his cord. Son gave us visions and messages from the start: he didn't want to stay connected. I admit that I didn't mourn this decision. No lotus birth this time around.

April 12th, 2022... the day I wrote down his birth story

I have to admit that I ran away from reminiscing about his birth this past month. It's not a particularly nice story. I also didn't get that lovely, romantic, soft hypnobirth that I have dreamed about for so long... again. So again, I have this feeling of failure about all of it. I also had to let go of a nice maternity, making me very sad on a daily basis. So there are still lots of things to work through. I have peace with his birth, because I know it was exactly what both of us needed. I mean... you can't birth a powerful dragon any other way. In the meanwhile I also know that his soul is the reincarnation of my grandfather. That's a huge thing. I can't expect an easy birth when all of this is behind it. Birthing a new kind of lightworkers can't be easy. And still...

I also don't have any beautiful birth pictures or videos, which still makes me cry until this day. I asked my family beforehand, but of course, we had other things on our mind.

Today, March 12th, 2023... 1 year later

Today is his birthday. My sweet son is 1 year old.

And even though we have to celebrate - which we of course do! - I mourn. I mourn the beautiful soft birth that was so important to me, but that I couldn't have because of this King Arthur reincarnation. I mourn the pregnancy that feels like it was taken away from me, due to the abuse of my then partner (all things that I couldn't share with anyone at the time, but have come up in this past year). I mourn the postpartum period that was cut short because said partner was convinced that 3 days of healing was enough and his mental health was more important as of day 4. Him leaving us when the baby was 2 months was only the last hit in a long line of narcissistic abusive behavior. It was also the best thing that could happen to us. Not only did we finally heal from years of abuse, I also was able to enjoy my baby without negative energy looming over us. Baby and me are 2 peas in a pot. All my kids were ver mommy oriented when they were little, but this one hits the throne. He is my biggest mommy's baby. And I have enjoyed every single second of it. I'm still sad about my pregnancy, birth and postpartum time that were forcibly taken away from me, even though those things are so important to me. But in the end, this baby is still acting as if we are in postpartum together. He is born with a very strong glue with which he holds us together.

The love for this little boy has only grown stronger over the past year. We all love him to pieces and having him solely for us, without having to sharing him with anyone is the biggest gift ever. His smile warms our hearts. His energy fills our souls. We couldn't have wished for a better son and brother. He fits so well with the rest of us. I can't believe he is 1 year old already!